What if you can’t afford Oprah’s Top Picks for Summer?

Once again, America’s giver goddess - Miss Oprah Winfrey - has rolled out the freebie cart to her shocked audience, and tailored a show to give away her faaaaavorite thiiiiings (sorry, it’s hard to do the Oprah yell in text). And once again, poor people around the country nearly shit their pants wondering how they were going to “reach for the dream of living their best life” once they heard about how expensive all this stuff is.

Just like I did at Christmas, I’ve compiled an alternative “buying guide” to making sure you can have a fun cheap summer, and still utilize some of the wonderful ideas Oprah’s producers put together. “Heeeere weeeee gooooo!” <crowd screams>

Turkey Burger Recipe The recipe’s available online at Oprah.com, but if you can’t afford to have Donald Trump himself show up for the free publicity deliver your meat, you can just hang out at the local watering hole and find a look-alike to give you some cooking tips.

“I cook with Crisco, kid.”

Weber Grill ($849, grilling tools not included) - Oprah couldn’t afford to make everyone in the crowd a damn burger, but she waved her magic wand and somehow produced a nearly-$900 grill for each of the folks (they went nuts). Now I know all ya’ll can’t afford that much for a grill… so here’s the R.Ramona alternative. The George Foreman grill! I’ve seen one of those suckers at every garage/yard/household sale I’ve been to, and haven’t seen one priced over $2.00 Think of all the meat you can buy with your $847 savings! I can hear the economy moving already!

Available in fashion colors!

Bathing Suits ($14.90- and up) Once everyone was done watching Trump eat with his mouth open, spokesmodel Heidi Klum catwalked out and brought some gals to show off the newest swimsuit fashions. Now you can spend a month’s rent on all of this flashy beachwear, or you can order a copy of the book I use to flash exactly what I want when I go to the beach. The book’s ten bucks. Talk about damn savings. (Don’t forget the sunscreen!):

Richard Clucky is my American idol…

Make-Up ($expensive!) Oprah picked out some make-up to give away, but it was really a scam to plug her own magazine ($47.40/yearly). Best Friend Gayle sashayed out to model the make-up, and to proclaim that she does have a real job (she works at Pizza Hut). You can pay seven bucks for their nail polish and way more for their lipstick, or you can just pick up a handy all-in-one cosmetic experience from the dollar store. I don’t know about you, but it meets all my make-up needs.

Hell, Oprah even plugged a $75 make-up brush, but this handy dollar store item includes a brush AND a soft applicator.

Includes mirror too!

Family Vacations ($Outrageous) - Of course, on summer vacation, folks always pack up the kids and jet to South America. Maybe in Oprah’s neighborhood. But not on the Ramona plan, we don’t! Hell, we can’t even afford Chuck E. Cheese any more, right? But I have something just as fun. The annual town carnival! I don’t know about you, but here in Wheelie, the carnival rolls around right about Memorial Day weekend. Throw your kids on the rides and go play I-Got-It… or even get matching tattoos! You would be surprised how cheap they are at the carnie…

Everything’s better…
…at the carnival!

Rolling Duffel Bag ($169) Wow, duffel bags are a little more costly than they used to be. Whoa. Personally I pack all my shit in a heavy-duty waterproof postal mailer and I’m good to go. I realize you can probably be punished by fines and prison if you take these from the post office for “unauthorized use,” but I think it’s OK to use them if you receive something in the mail in one; you can most certainly re-use it as a summer bag! Ooh La Lah! And since it’s available In red, white and blue, you’ll be all decked out for the 4th of July holiday. Oh yeah!

Is it Prada or Priority? Only YOU know for sure.

Pink GPS Device ($267) I can’t believe people can afford these things! Hell, if it’s a map you want, I found this cute Road Atlas for 25 cents at a church rummage sale. Sure, it’s from 1988 and smells like a musty gym locker room, but it will get you where you’re going, I promise.

It’s from Reader’s Digest,
so it’s condensed!

Hotel Gift Card ($200) - Wow, even I can’t top this. Since I work at The Jesus Motel, I’m pounding my head on the wall trying to come up with a good freebie for all ya’ll. And I guess FREE ICE about sums it up. Bring your own bucket, and all like that. Wooo!

Strippers use ice to make their nipples hard…
I bet you didn’t know that, huh?

Oprah Cookbook ($29.95) - Recipes for all of Oprah’s favorite foods (except the McRib) are included in this snazzy book. But at thirty bucks, it’s just too expensive for us poor people to afford. Hell, when I want to whip up something special, I surf on over to the Ruby Ann’s Down Home Trailer Park Cookbook. There’s a free preview on Google Books, and even a forward by the late Tammy Faye. Just make sure the whole recipe’s there before you start in, though. It’s a limited preview, so you might get stuck with only half the instructions. I personally recommend Ben Beavers’ Trailer Burgers.

Ruby Ann has the balls to show you all the tricks…

Mary J. Blige CD ($13.98 ) Mary’s pretty cool, but with the price of gas, milk and Viagra vegetables these days, who has the cash for things like CD’s? I inquired about sweet summer deals at Records, Tapes and Stuff (unfortunately the JOYCE album I picked up was pretty damn scarce) and Nedra, the helpful clerk there, suggested any tape by Barbara Mandrell. What a great idea. “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed” is one of my all time favorite party tunes. She claims most music stores have Barbara tapes for a buck or less. And that’s what I call a deal, people!

This also has the wondrous song
“When You’re Married (But Not to Each Other),”
so you can’t go wrong!

Unfortunately, my cable crapped out right before Mary burst into song, so I have no idea what else (if anything) Oprah and Gayle passed out after that. Even so, you can tell just by looking at this list that the Summer people got shortchanged, compared to the stuff the Holiday people walked away with. (Yeah, be sure to check out my previous Alternate Oprah buying guide.)

Have a nice summer, my people!

• LINK: The Official Oprah’s Top Picks for Summer 2008