What if you can’t afford Oprah’s Favorite Things?

Oh Lord, another Holiday Season is upon us, and - once again - Miss Oprah Winfrey has rolled out another gaggle of gift ideas that just make her damn panties wet. If you’re like me and on a strict budget by the time the end of the year rolls around, you can’t even afford the cheapest gift on La Winfrey’s List. (Yes, that would be a teeny carton of ice cream the color of a fake spray-on tan, for $5.)

Anyhow, in the spirit of Christmas (and being totally cheap), here are Reverend Ramona’s Alternative Ideas…

1. Dead set on Oprah’s $900 camcorder? Hell, if you can’t find a second-hand one (used) at a yard sale, just buy your lucky gift recepient a pack of blank VHS tapes and tell them the matching Camcorder’s coming UPS. By the time they realize it’s not coming, you’ll be long gone.

   
   Show ‘em this pic just to make them jump up & down!

2. They call those $120 boots “Ughs” for a reason. And if you’re as rich as Oprah, you can surely pay $120 for a pair. If you’re on a budget though, head down to your local Payless-type store near close-up time, and ask the clerk if they have a “reject” pile. Usually you can get a couple of mismatched freebies to stick in a regular box, and then your lucky gift recepient won’t have a damn clue that there was a mix-up somewhere along the line. Let them try to take the bogus pair back for a decent exchange. This works for boots, stilettos and flat shoes. Be sure to practice your look of shock, for when they open the box…

   
   “Oh damn… I’d take those back.”

3. Now the swanky watch Oprah modeled goes for $150 all the way up to $1500. Shoot! I know, if you had that kind of money you’d get yourself a boob job. But if you want to give the gift of time this Christmas, take a little slip of paper and print the local “Time and Temperature” phone number on it, and decorate it up with little bows and wreaths and such as. Not only do you have a cool art object to give, but they can tell what time it is by dialing any phone. Wow!

   
   Better than phone sex!

4. Easily the most impractical gift on the whole show was a box of 9 cupcakes for 60 bucks. Wow. Here is an easy and cheap alternative. Go to your local Day Old Bakery Clearance Store and pick up a few packs of outdated or slightly-banged up wrapped cupcakes. Seriously. It’s that simple. If you want people to think you blew $60 on snacks, just lie. I won’t tell.

   
   Reduced for Quick Sale!

5. Fancy bowls and spoons and such as… if you buy Oprah’s pick, you’ll be spending $50… I know… let me give you a little cooking tip you won’t hear from Rachael Ray or Paula Deen: the cake mix you’re going to stir up can’t tell the difference between $50 utensils and the same shit you can buy at the dollar store.

   
   All for a damn dollar!

6. A $349 mixer. Ooooh. Ahhhh. You know I’m not having any of that. And neither are you.

   
   “Hey kids, wanna lick the beaters?”

7. You could pay $59.95 for the Planet Earth DVD documentary set. Or you could go with my pick, which I found for $2 at my local Big Lots. I know which documentary I’d rather watch…

   
   Sexy AND educational!

8. I say if you can get Oprah (or anyone else) to pay $55 for a small container of “body butter,” more power to you. I found this butter on special for $1.29, AND I had a coupon. Merry Christmas Aunt Martha! I’m sure she’ll start smelling just like microwave popcorn!

   
   Spread it all over…

9. Oprah has a swell gadget she paid $195 for that sandblasts the makeup and such as off her famous face. Oooh la lah! Us poor people have to opt for a cheaper alternative:

   
   “Scrub hard, ya’ll!”

10. Now Oprah wants to fool you into thinking you’re getting a sweet deal when you pay $42 for a 3-pack of bar soap. “Wow,” you tell yourself, “that would be expensive if I was buying just one bar, but I’m getting two free. Wow!” Oh people please. I give away those little wrapped soaps I steal all year-round from cheap motels. Soap is soap.

    
    One for everyone on your list!

11. Oprah’s book pick is a TWENTY-FIVE dollar paperback book. Schweeewww! Lordy-lord. I found this little gem at a garage sale for a quarter:

    
    Whoa!

12. Now when Oprah wants to please her man, she makes him a “Love Sandwich” on a $100 fancy sandwich grill. If that’s your idea of foreplay, then have at it. Frankly, I don’t think there’s anything more erotic than fixing a hot dog for someone you want to do, and with this $2 wiener maker from the close-out store, you’ll be having more “love” that you can wag a weenie at!

    
    “Nothing says LOVE like a dog in a bun!”

13. Okay, Oprah blew all her marbles with a high-ticket fridge that cost $3800… hell, that was 10x more expensive than my last car! If you want something to keep your drinks cold while you watch TV and forecast the weather, I have found a delightfully cheap alternative… with this you’ll be able to sit outside any window and watch TV, enjoy a cold beverage, and you’ll be outside, so you won’t need to check the weather; just look up…

    
    You save: $3792!!

14. $4.99 for a freaky orange ice cream? Fugit that! Get out your coupons, my people:

    
    Tastes great! Less money!

15. After eating a ($3800) freezer full of $5 ice cream, Oprah trotted out a baggy outfit that would easily cover up all that ice cream fat… well, for $235, that damn outfit had better cover a family of five and last 10 years. Instead, go for Ramona’s $5 alternative (it comes as a set, unlike Oprah’s pick:

    
    Fashion!! (Slippers sold separately.)

16. After making all of those “Love Sandwiches” on her $100 toaster, Oprah’s man felt compelled to give her a board game for Valentine’s Day. True, he did spend 80 whopping dollars on it, but - man - it was V-Day… I don’t even think Oprah wanted to sit around playing Scrabble. He should have gone this route instead, and it’s only 10 bucks at most X-rated bookstores and novelty shops:

    
    Strip Checkers: “Jump me!”

17. After a night of Scrabble, Oprah likes to haul out a nearly-$900 book filled with 90 DVDs. I am sure they are all good titles, but you can get many great videos at the dollar store, so save all that extra money for bail, in case you get busted and such as. Here are a couple fun tapes I know anyone would appreciate:

    
    Make it a double feature!

18. After the movies, Oprah whipped out a basket of $90 “earth friendly” cleaning products. I say you skip cleaning, and spend just one dollar on the best item ever! Zim’s Crack Creme! Oooh La Lah! I have some on my crack right now, and I figure if I’m happy, the earth is happy!

    
    Makes cracks happy!

19. Now you and I (and Jesus) know that Oprah couldn’t have made it through the hour without blowing her own horn and hauling out another book, this one a $30 book of her own magazine clippings. In that spirit, I offer you a lifetime subscription to my blog… and it’s free! Just click this link and sign up. It’s a nice gift for yourself!

    
    “Look at me! I’m a Stocking Stuffer…”

20. I am sure $15 for a Josh Groban Xmas CD is a steal, but why not get something you’ll love for life, AND save big!

    
    It’s Elvis! It’s a tape!

Well that’s my list, people. I sure do hope you have an adequate holiday season and a better than average New Year. And if you have the bucks to shop like Oprah, go for it. I wish we all could shop like that, but Jesus knows we can’t. Here’s hoping my picks will help you make some happy faces this Christmas.

~Reverend Ramona